Fate and Time

There's something about me tonight, under gray moonlight. Natalie sings softly as I sit here and write. A breeze passes over and the chill is quite a thrill. Another perfect evening, but I wonder still. Should I stay here tonight doing something in particular? I find these perfect moments make me feel so peculiar. Should I be somewhere else shaping thoughts and changing minds? Or will I do it anyway? All with fate and time... There's something about me tonight. I've got perfect sight. Every single second is exactly right. A dream passes through me and the stars light up my eyes. Nothing could be better. Still, something isn't right. Should I stay here tonight doing something in particular? I find these perfect moments make me feel so peculiar. Should I be somewhere else shaping thoughts and changing minds? Or will I do it anyway? All with fate and time...

I was sitting on my balcony reading an article about Natalie Merchant by moonlight (and the floodlights around my apartment complex.) I was really getting into what she said about how she comes up with song ideas, when I began to get lost in thought. I started thinking about my life, where I was and what I was doing... and it occurred to me that I was having one of those moments where everything is okay. And just as soon as I recognized the moment, it was gone. I started questioning everything and, well, this song was born.

Patience

They say it's a virtue, but that's not her issue. It's more a funny feeling that she's doing something wrong. She tells him that she loves him, and in her mind it's true. Her heart says she's a liar, but she knows what to do. "Have patience," she tells herself. "True love will come with time." "Have patience," she says again. "There's nothing more to find." He holds her as they sleep. She's silent as she weeps. Fighting another midnight war: heart against mind, hand against door. She whispers that she loves him, and in her mind it's true. Her heart says she's a liar, but she knows what to do. "Have patience," she tells herself. "True love will come with time." "Have patience," she says again. "There's nothing more to find." Three dreams, one remembered. A perfect kiss from another. Images she can't ignore. She falls from bed to floor. "Have patience," she tells herself. "True love will come with time." "Have patience," she says again. "There's nothing more to find."

A few weeks before Amy (AKA Isabella) and I broke up in January of 1999, it had become very clear that things weren't right between us. I spent a few days trying to imagine what she must have been thinking. I figured, if I was waking up nights thinking about things (see "Self Involved"), she must have had her own struggle. Patience" is how I imagined she was feeling. Months later when she saw these lyrics, she started crying as she read them. It definitely kind of broke my heart to see her cry, but because I also strive to artistically represent these types of relationship experiences, I was also rather proud. Quite the mix of feelings, actually.

Orange

I guess it's just a color that sits on your soul, enhancing your image...always taking hold. Twisting my perception. Shifting my position. Lifting inhibition. Orange. I remember the first time I saw you with my heart. I nearly fell apart as your colors let go. Twisting my perception. Shifting my position. Lifting inhibition. Orange.

Orange is the oldest song on this album. I wrote it right after the completion of “Isabella” back in 1997. I finally decided to finish/record the song for this album because I liked the dark mood contrasting the somewhat romantic lyrics. Plus, it just seemed to fit in nicely with the rest of the songs. In case you're wondering what the color orange is meant to symbolize, the answer is: I'm not quite sure. As the lyrics say, it's simply a color I associate with Amy. If she could be any color, she would be orange.

How Could I?

It's you and me. This deviant dream. Escape reality. Slip through the seams. Soft warm air. Mood that you wear. Stripped of conscious, all on a dare. The loudest whispers drift through the walls, begging the outside: “stay in the halls.” Only the moment knows what's right. To hell with the days, I want tonight. How could I want you more? How could I need you more? How could I love you more? How could I? It's you and me. A muffled scream. Perfect tension we barely believe. Strobing light. Infectious eyes. Perception advises bigger lies. How could I want you more? How could I need you more? How could I love you more? How could I?

This song is pretty much about lust. I figured, hey, everyone likes lust... why not write a song about it? But more seriously, it's about violating trusts and cheating. I originally came up with these lyrics by combining several different real-life situations my friend has found herself in. But I altered them rather significantly to reflect my own desires. Interpret that however you like.

No Evil

Mine eyes are digitized, seeing you in electric form. Not like lightening or static shock, but perfect lasers that never stop. Mine ears are modulated, hearing you in techno form. Not like FM or static pop, but perfect timbres that never stop. This is love. My mouth is quantized. Measured words are all you've heard. Not like poetry or metered spacing, but perfect calculus of rhythmic pacing. This is love, with my computer.

If loving my beautiful Macintosh computer is wrong, I don't want to be right!!! Okay, I'm not really in love with my computer, but I do love it. I love computers and precision, and of course, Synth Pop. So I thought it was about time I gave props! All of the vocals in this song are twisted or shifted by my computer in some major or minor way, which gives it the somewhat unnatural mood I was looking for. Something tells me this is one of those songs you either love or hate. Either reaction works for me. ;-)

Self Involved

11:34 in the evening and you're sleeping next to me. I want to wake you, gently shake you, but my demons won't let me. Instead I grow tired from thinking all damn day. A dream approaches gently and I gladly surrender. There's this angel. There's these clouds. There's this disbelief away from worlds of doubt. There's this feeling. There's this kiss. There's this endless, streaming bliss. Suddenly my eyes open and I wake up with a jolt. Somehow I don't phase you. I take my pillow and go. The TV offers comfort in the form of Jenny Jones. My pessimism dissipates as I drift away again. There's this moon and all these stars. I kinda wonder where you are. But then this feeling. Then this kiss. Then this endless, streaming bliss. Everything shines like crystal. I'm light on balanced feet. In this dream, as I'm dancing, I finally feel complete. here's this angel. There's these clouds. There's this disbelief away from worlds of doubt. There's this feeling. There's this kiss. There's this endless, streaming bliss. There's this moon and all these stars. I kinda wonder where you are. But then this feeling. Then this kiss. Then this endless, streaming bliss.

Well, this one is about my struggle to deal with the relationship troubles Amy and I went through. It was written before we broke up as I found myself up a few nights trying to cope with uneasiness. So, that's what the verses describe. The choruses reflect a recurring dream I was having about a non-existent girl that was, as only a dream girl could be, perfect for me. It worked out nicely that the dreams sort of symbolized my state of mind: unwillingly moving away from a relationship that was no longer working.

Too Far Gone

Moody bastard looks in my eyes, searching for something he'll recognize. Maybe a glimmer, even a twitch, but the eyes looking back made some kind of switch. "You're too far gone," he proudly declares. "I can't get you back, so just stay there." When I hear his voice say "it's no good" it breaks me down like he knew it would. Deep inside I fear I've passed my peak. I find myself without a voice to speak. Moody bastard turns up the music. He says, "Remember this? You used to do it. Now you're just a shell of that man. How did this happen? I can't understand." "You're too far gone," he proudly declares. "I can't get you back, so just stay there." When I hear his voice say "it's no good" it breaks me down like he knew it would. Deep inside I fear I've passed my peak. I find myself without a voice to speak.

Over the years I've experienced dramatic increases in self-doubt, with a heavy focus on my "skills" as a musician. I look back on my “career” and I realize that I haven't made the great strides I always dreamed that I would. Add that to random e-mail I receive telling me my first CD "The Vision" was my best one (come on, seriously?!), and it's easy to start thinking you're fading out.

Point of View

Tastefully I decorate, or mutilate, depending on your point of view. A poem all in red for you. It's backwards too, depending on your point of view. And as my heart pours out on this paper table cloth, you scribble it out and laugh it off. And as the days pass by since you ran away, I've got less to say to you anyway. I thought I might miss you, but it turns out I won't. It turns out I don't, 'cause it didn't mean much. I thought I might miss you, but that's really not true. Now that we're through, I've got a different point of view. Recklessly you cut me off, or set me free, depending on your point of view. I really must mean nothing to you. I'm a bad person too, depending on your point of view. And as the days pass by since you ran away, I've got less to say to you anyway. I thought I might miss you, but it turns out I won't. It turns out I don't, 'cause it didn't mean much. I thought I might miss you, but that's really not true. Now that we're through, I've got a different point of view.

I've had this weird thing happen to me... twice. A best friend that I've known for years and years has suddenly, out-of-the-blue, announced that they don't want any more contact or communication with me at all. The first time it happened, I thought it was a complete fluke; probably some personal problem my friend was going through that seeing me reminded her about. I moved on. The second time it happened, it really hit me hard. I started believing that I must do something terrible to my friends and started scrutinizing myself to the extreme. Well, after much discussion with the other folks in my life, it turns out that it really isn't me, but instead just a terrible coincidence that this happened twice. However, the feelings of abandonment remained, and this song was my way of dealing with it.

Arpeggiated Rain

And if I could I'd make the world a perfect little place for you. And if I could I'd make this all arpeggiated rain. And if I could I’d clear the skies and make the water blue for you. And if I could I'd make him talk and tell you what to do. Hold your breath and look for Heaven, just ahead... it's there... It's all for you. The sun and the stars, and the universe too. All for you. And if I could I'd take the pain and suffer through this too, for you. And if I could I'd get him back for doing this to you. Hold your breath and reach for Heaven just ahead... it's there... It's all for you. The sun and the stars, and the universe too. All for you.

A close friend of mine is going through a particularly rough time. I wrote this song for her. I'm going to purposely leave out a tremendous amount of detail here, as she has personally requested that I do so, but I will mention that the emotions and the situation are quite real.

Kristi's Song

The night air's hurting my tired lungs. With every breath I imagine the last one. Is it relief or retreat? Is it an end or defeat? Is it a picture perfect finish? Will I find the real me? I think I'll lay down and stare at the sky until the stars get blurry and lost in my eyes. I won't think of tomorrow. I won't think how or why. Just perfect moments like beach umbrella's in July. Tonight the sound's ringing in my tired ears. One more melody the world never hears Will I shake with fear? Will my life seem a lie? Sugar assault me, you won't make me cry. I think I'll lay down and stare at the sky until the stars get blurry and lost in my eyes. I won't think of tomorrow. I won't think how or why. Everything's clear in the daylight, but I'm in love with tonight.

A song of empathy and hope about a friend whose circumstances were, to say the least, not the best. Sometimes when you love someone who's hurting so much, the powerlessness you feel can be absolutely devastating. I really wasn't able to help no matter how much I wanted to. But hopefully, in some small way, this song helped.