Darkness

Darkness hugs me and holds me close. Lays me down, strips off my clothes. Kisses gently my electric skin. I scream and pulse and spin and then, darkness wants me. Darkness whispers, its breath on my ear. Ominous and curious on the brink of fear. Then louder, more bass. Then fuller, in my face. Darkness controls my frantic pace. Darkness wants me. Darkness enters my failing heart. Stopped at first, it slowly starts. Darkness wakes me, silent and warm. Darkness owns my failing form. Darkness swims around my lips, into my mouth, down to my hips, into my blood, out through my eyes. Then in the open, darkness dies. Darkness wants me.

I think that the lyrics to this song are possibly the most evocative and effective on the entire album. They precisely translate the mood I was in when I wrote them, and I believe that people hearing them will also know instantly what I was feeling - especially people that are also night-lovers like myself. What's also interesting about this song is that I liked the mood of these lyrics so much, I re-wrote the music at the very last minute so there’d be a better fit. So, I literally wrote this song twice! Perhaps the original version will someday become a different song with different lyrics? Anyway, here it is. I suppose I should have called it "Darkness - Part 2".

I Want You

I feel clean, in the dirtiest of ways. I've been stripped of guilt and I love the way it feels. You're like glass, but you're only clear to me. I see through your smudges and all your hidden grudges. Wanting you is pure frustration. Having you is purification. Wanting you is devastation. Having you is purification. You're an angel, but you've fallen down with me. You've slaughtered inhibition. I bow to your decision. You're like anime: exclamation above your head. Perfect culmination of 1000 dreams I've had. Wanting you is pure frustration. Having you is purification. Wanting you is devastation. Having you is purification. I feel naked. I feel wasted. I feel lucid. I feel lost. I feel silver. I feel green. I feel dirty. I feel clean. You're like water with just a touch of lead. But you're so goddamn delicious I'll drink you 'til I'm dead. I'm like steam, and you are ice cold steel. I cover you. I drip from you. I love the way you feel. Wanting you is pure frustration. Having you is purification. Wanting you is devastation. Having you is purification.

This is the only song on the album about Sara Krist (Nicholas now, since I married her in 2003!), the girl I spent 2001 falling in love with. She took me by storm, and I thank God everyday for her existence. Of course, this song is somewhat fictionalized beyond our exact relationship dynamic... there's an amplified element of sin and guilt, but it's all based on the real guilt that comes from being so happy! Yes, you heard me. Being insanely happy can make you feel guilty, don’t you think? Also of note: All of the lyrics for the other songs on this album were completed before I met Sara, but this song was written much later in the year. I almost cut it from the album because, at first, I felt that because so much of this album was about the pain of a failed relationship, a song about the thrill of passion was a mis-match. But then I changed my mind. I decided that there was no reason for the ENTIRE album to reflect the misery of a failed relationship, especially since songs like "Darkness", "The Princess of Detroit" and "The Perfect Shape" are also unrelated to that subject. Plus, this song ultimately became one of the most popular Cosmicity songs ever, so, I guess it’s a good thing that I released it!

Defeat

You're blind. Maybe you can't help it. I'll give you one more chance. I'll jump and flail and dance. But nothing. You keep going, never knowing how you hurt me. I'm shutting all the windows. I'm shutting all the doors. I'm shutting down my body. I'm getting on all fours. I'm crawling at your feet. I'm dizzy from defeat. I'm begging that you please just stop kicking me. You're deaf. Maybe you can't help it. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. I'll scream and rant and shout. But nothing. You keep going, never knowing how you hurt me. I'm shutting all the windows. I'm shutting all the doors. I'm shutting down my body. I'm getting on all fours. I'm crawling at your feet. I'm dizzy from defeat. I'm begging that you please just stop kicking me. I'm mute. Baby, i can't help it. I try to tell you that i hate you, but words may never wake you. Still nothing. You keep going, never knowing how you hurt me. I'm shutting all the doors. I'm shutting down my body. I'm getting on all fours. I'm crawling at your feet. I'm dizzy from defeat. I'm begging that you please just stop kicking me.

I'd been dumped... by a woman I was living with... dumped via e-mail... an e-mail which contained a delightful list of my shortcomings. Just when I thought I couldn't be shit on any more, it was followed up by her constantly (we were stuck living together for 2 weeks before she could move out) attacking me because she thought I might have slept with someone else a few days after she dumped me - and how dare I? (I didn't.) Anyway, the story goes on, but this song pretty much sums it up. Why did she keep kicking me after she'd already beaten me down? That's one to ponder. Oh, and on a quick side-note... distraught as I was when I first recorded this song, the original versions were recorded somewhat poorly. They were released on an early CD single, but I found the time to re-record it for the full album. I'm glad I did. I think the album version does a far superior job at carrying across the emotion in the lyrics.

Something

She couldn't feel darker than she does today. She looks away, then struggles to say something, anything, to explain it away. Something, anything, to make him stay. It doesn't matter when she lies. It doesn’t matter. It doesn't matter when she cries. It doesn’t matter. She couldn't fall deeper than she does today. She hits the floor, then searches for something, anything, to explain it away. Something, anything, to make him stay. It doesn't matter when she lies. He’ll never hear her. It doesn't matter when she cries. He’ll never see her. Lifted up by her fear, she's too high to hear. He's shouting up to her. He's so in love with her. It doesn't matter when she lies. He’ll never hear her. It doesn't matter when she cries. He’ll never see her.

This song is about a relationship that has lost trust. It is meant to imply that one party has a drug problem that is causing everything, but in reality it was more about how my then-girlfriend and I were losing trust of one another. There was so much distance between us at this point, that she actually could have had a drug problem and successfully hidden it from me. I don't think she did, but, at the very least, she was hiding some other very serious problems. (Historical insert written in 2013: The woman I was dating when I wrote this song back in 2000 passed away this year. It was ruled a suicide, but it involved drugs. This song's meaning has now changed for me and seems more like a horrible premonition, as I knew of her previous battles with drugs and had written that in to these lyrics. The battle isn't wasn't one that I directly witnessed, as I think I kept her clean when we were together, but I did always felt like I was losing a war between the real her and the her that hated me for keeping her away from the bad stuff. Now I feel like I should have fought much, much harder.)

Let Me In

I saw you staring at your horoscope lost and disappointed in the day. My instinct was to hold you, but I knew that you would just turn away. I watched you as your head fell down between your hands. Helplessly I heard you mourning all of life's demands. Just let me in. I want to love you. Unfold your arms and I will come through. Unclench your fist. Release your fear. We're together now, and I'm forever here. Weeks go by without a real moment. Words have no volume anymore. And I see you hiding shame. It's far too much to just ignore. But you won't look into my eyes to see the truth they hold. Being here outside you is so cold. Just let me in. I want to love you. Unfold your arms and I will come through. Unclench your fist. Release your fear. We're together now, and I'm forever here. Please don't remember ways you want to forget. Please surrender days you now regret. Just let me in. I want to love you. Unfold your arms and I will come through. Unclench your fist. Release your fear. We're together now, and I'm forever here.

The first sign of trouble in a relationship is a pattern of secrecy. When I realized that my girlfriend (at that time) was keeping secrets - specifically, secrets about her failing interest in me - I confronted her about it right away. We discussed it, and she claimed that I was mistaken and she was still in love with me. I believed her (because I wanted to) but part of me knew she was shifting away from me. The feeling lead me to the lyrics for this song, which eventually evolved into a declaration of love coupled with a pleading for honesty. I now feel that it very accurately captures the distant feeling that had crept up between us.

Escapism

I really love instrumental synth music. I always have. Vangelis, Jean Micheal Jarre, all kinds of cool instrumental electronic artists have been in my CD collection since I was a teenager... but I've rarely composed any myself. I think the reason for this is my deep love of writing: the power of words and music combined is impressive. But there's something pure about instrumentals, and in my "Pure" mode for this album, one just seeped out of me. I hit a point where words were failing me. I was beating myself up with lyrics on the subject of my failed relationship and I needed a break. An escape, if you will. This song turned out to be critical in pulling me up out of the depths to the wonderful place I find myself now.

I Have Nothing

Busy days have turned to wonder. Little sobs have turned to thunder. And I tell myself it's all hallucination... too much time to lose in pure imagination. But we were everything then, and we're nothing now. We had everything then, but we're nothing now. We were everything then, but we're nothing now. I had everything then, but I have nothing now. Crashing down. It's the only way I learn and now you're gone. This shallow smile is too much work now, but I keep it going somehow. And I tell myself it's all just temporary. Someone else will make this phase seem ordinary. But we were everything then, and we're nothing now. We had everything then, but we're nothing now. We were everything then, but we're nothing now. I had everything then, but I have nothing now. Crashing down. It's the only way I learn and now you're gone.

This song has nothing to do with the girl I wrote most of the songs on "Pure" about. Instead, this song is about a woman I dated for many years, but I eventually lost. (Many early Cosmicity songs like “Awake” and “The Moment” were about her.) She has since moved to the east coast, gotten married, and is quite content with her life. Many days, as I reflected back on that relationship, I found myself filled with regret. I tried not to focus on it, but when I was writing the music for this song, I felt the need to address my regret. Unfortunately, the music for this song never did turn out the way I wanted it to. I like it, but not as much as most of the other songs on this album. I think a big part of that has to do with the time gap between the lyrics (written at the beginning of 2001) to when I finally recorded and mixed the song (fall of 2001). The lyrics were based on legitimate sadness and regret at the time, but the recording was made after I'd found new happiness with my soon-to-be wife.

The Perfect Shape

He's a witness to the perfect shape of life. Gentle and forgiving, he wants to give you insight. But this balancing act - these delicates and breakables - oh, they distract. He didn't make these rules. And everyday his secret finds a darker place to hide. Your world is slowly blinding him, his eyes stuck open wide. He didn't know.
He's been struggling to somehow just remember the truth he always had. He thought he'd know forever. But these trivia attacks - this meaningless consumption - oh, it distracts. He clings to oblivion. And everyday his secret finds a darker place to hide. Your world is slowly blinding him, his eyes stuck open wide. He didn't know.
He knows what makes your life worth living. He can show you all-forgiving. He can explain love in perfect detail. He doesn't want anyone to fail. And everyday his secret
finds a darker place to hide. Your world is slowly blinding him, his eyes stuck open wide. He didn't know.

I really love the concept for this song. In case it's not clear, the plot goes something like this: A man is put on Earth with the answers to everything. He knows the meaning of life, love and happiness. His purpose on the planet is to help and guide people. But he is human, and all the petty and pointless stuff in our society... our distorted realities and invented truths... it all starts to affect him. Over time, he's forgetting the meaning of life. He's losing sight of his purpose because the bullshit of our "modern" society is too overwhelming. And the bottom line is that we are all this guy. We all know what's right, but life in the 21st century can be so blindingly stupid sometimes, we tend to forget. With this song, I'm sending out a little reminder.

The Princess Of Detroit

You are lust. You are everything tonight. I want to bathe in you. Would that be alright? You are sex. You are ecstasy tonight. I want to be high in you. Would that be alright? Tell me princess what's it like in there? Tell me what you're hiding behind that stare. I beg your permission. Trust your intuition. I could never exploit the Princess of Detroit.
You are motion. You are drum machines tonight. I want to writhe in you. Would that be alright? You are liquid. You are medicine tonight. I want to drink you. Would that be alright? Tell me princess what's it like in there? Tell me what you're hiding behind that stare. I beg your permission. Trust your intuition. I could never exploit the Princess of Detroit. The deepest purple. The deepest blue. Lost in lights, and heat, and beats, and you. Tell me princess what's it like in there? Tell me what you're hiding behind that stare. I beg your permission. Trust your intuition. I could never exploit the Princess of Detroit.

Lust. Ain't it grand? I've always thought so. I've made several efforts on previous albums to capture the phenomenon I lovingly refer to as clublust, but none had ever been very well received. (Songs like "Defiance", "All You Need" and "Ignore Her"). This song, however, was well received as a top-20 download on mp3.com - remember that site? - and as a much-played CD single. The difference? I'd gotten better since 1996. Hooray! Improvement is good. Just like lust. Heh.

Hope

Are you listening? I pray you are. You've got to try. We've come so far. It's time that I came clean. It's time you hear what I mean. There were days when I thought my straying heart would get caught. But thank God you've never seen that ugly part of me. I know that you were right. It's all been worth this fight. But no apologies. Those wounds no longer bleed. I hope we're always gonna need each other, feel each other. I hope forever lets us touch each other, know each other, reach each other, love each other... Hope alone. That's all we need to stay in love. Just hope. Hang on. We need to stay in love. You wouldn't believe the fear I feel every time I hear people saying that this won't last; people saying our time has passed. Won't you please just hear me out. I'll whisper if you don't shout. Old words don't mean a thing. My heart says everything. I hope we're always gonna need each other, feel each other. I hope forever lets us touch each other, know each other, reach each other, love each other... Hope alone. That's all we need to stay in love. Just hope. Hang on. We need to stay in love.

Sometimes you can put everything you have into a relationship and it just doesn't matter. That was the case with this relationship. I wrote this song and then sang it to her one night in an effort to infuse some hope for our future. It failed. She dumped me a couple of weeks later, and then I entered the "Defeat" phase. I feel I should add that it was very disheartening to have put so much into a relationship only to realize it was never noticed. They say love is blind, and now, finally, I believe them. I just wasn't seeing her for who she really was.

Hotel Allegro Chicago

I know you understand why I'm not speaking. I know you understand what I'm thinking. And I believe that tomorrow I'll forget how I feel today, but you'll have to wait 'til then... 'til these questions go away. Were you planning this all along? Did you know I'd write this song? When you kissed me were you thinking? Were you feeling? Were you politely concealing? Everything I just found out, you knew about long before you told me. I know you feel bad and maybe somehow sad. But your adventure used me, even if unintentionally. And I believe that tomorrow I'll forget how I feel today, but you'll have to wait 'til then...'til these questions go away. Were you wondering everyday if love would float your way? When you touched me, were you feeling? Maybe reeling? Or just staring at the ceiling? Everything I just found out, you knew about long before you told me.

The first question everyone asks about this song is: What does the title have to do with the song? Well, this story may be the most interesting story of the album. The day after I was dumped, I had to get in a car and drive to Washington DC and Philadelphia to perform a couple of concerts. I was still reeling from the pain and shock of the sudden break-up, so I wasn't speaking to my now-ex. Since I was going to be gone for a few days and we still lived together, I felt I needed to leave her some kind of note. I picked up the pad of paper we used for taking phone messages and I wrote down what are now the lyrics to this song. And yes, you guessed it: The pad of paper was Hotel Allegro Chicago stationary. I had taken it from the hotel we stayed at for New Years just a couple of weeks earlier. Anyway, after I'd finished writing, I typed the words into my laptop and left her the original. I don't know what happened to it. Maybe she saved it? Maybe she burned it. No matter. It survives in this song forever, making these the most true-to-life lyrics on this album.