Sealed In

Living under dirt and weeds, a bead of light is all she sees. It's a violation: off to the station. Now he's her bailiff, and hope's her crime. He caught her dreaming so she does the time. Love without the joy. Pain without the sin. Days without the light. Nights without the slumber. She sets fire to her cell. The flecks of ash, they match her well… But the dying embers suit her better. Nothing changes but the air. She doesn't move - she doesn't dare. This is her curse: it only gets worse. Love without the joy. Pain without the sin. Days without the light. Nights without the slumber. If she could… If she could… Oh dear God, she surely would. But he's bound her heart, her mouth, her ears. She's nothing left but sight and tears. The tears that wash her burned out cell. She wonders if anyone can tell it's… Love without the joy. Pain without the sin. Days without the light. Nights without the slumber.

Life is different for us now. Our daughter’s suffering at the hands of a random genetic disorder is a constant reminder of just how difficult, unfair, and downright painful existence can be. I tried capture the darkness that this often makes us feel. I meant for this song to be from my wife Sara’s point of view, though now, upon completion, I sometimes feel that I subconsciously wrote it from my daughter’s point of view.

Any Love That Comes Along

I used to see my life backlit by LEDs. I used to feel quantized to the nearest possibilities. I used to know my blood was electro-synthesized. I used to face the camera so you'd see the power in my eyes. And then, they pulled one string, and I unravelled for the universe. And then, they took one piece, so I broke down and let them do their worst. Now I'm just desperate - a pathetic shell. I'd detail more, but I'm sure you can tell… that I'm just empty; a man gone wrong. So I take any love that comes along. I used to look out at the world and see my chance. I used to think my choices mattered more than circumstance. I used to drink it down and see it still half full. I used to hear a perfect song without having to try at all. And then, they stole one note, and the music just stopped making sense. And then, they changed one word, and I was mute before the end of the first verse. Now I'm just desperate - a pathetic shell. I'd detail more, but I'm sure you can tell… that I'm just empty; a man gone wrong. So I take any love that comes along. You say I'm brilliant - I say I'm scared. You say I have it but I say it's disappeared. You say you love me - that's what I need to hear. The rest is garbled 'cause now I'm not thinking clear. You call me closer, and I oblige. You say it's okay - I know it's lies. But I ignore that look there in your eyes. Today I let go - tomorrow I ask why. I'm just so desperate - a pathetic shell. I'd detail more, but I'm sure you can tell… that I'm just empty; a man gone wrong. So I take any love that comes along.

Things do not always turn out how we expect them to. This song is meant to capture an acceptance of that fact - that so much of my optimism and confidence has been lost on this journey. It could be called a personal realization that my dreams for my life have have morphed over time from “rock star changing the world with his music and feeling the love of millions of fans” to simply seizing “any love that comes along.”

Remember

There's a stranger in my kitchen drinking spanish wine. She's here all the time. Seems quite lovely. So familiar. But no connection. Must be mistaken. Still the arrows all point to this girl from the night, so I take another look when she steps in the light. And I start to build a case for the unfamiliar face. We seem to have so much in common. Could she really be that someone? Oh my god what happened here? Got stuck in your own atmosphere. I'm all alone right next to you, and all you ever have to do is… Come find your way down to me. Remember. I'm here just waiting. You'll see. Remember. Now the stranger lays right next to me, sighing deeply while she's sleeping. Sounds so uniform. So familiar. But when I hold her she just feels colder. Still I'm sure I know this girl that's been hanging around, so I scream in her ear, but she doesn't get the sound. I look right in her eyes, but she doesn't realize that things have really been so rotten that it's all just been forgotten. Now I see what happened here. Got stuck in your own atmosphere. I'm all alone right next to you, and all you ever have to do is… Come find your way down to me. Remember. I'm here just waiting. You'll see. Remember. Years ago, when things were beautiful… they must have been. They were. I'm sure. Years ago - when things were crystal clear, before we lived in fear - we loved. I'm sure. I'm all alone right next to you, and all you ever have to do is... Come find your way down to me. Remember. I'm here just waiting. You'll see. Remember.

Having a child with severe special needs is challenging, to say the least. It consumes you. If you are not careful, it leaves room for nothing else. As a result - as my wife and I stood on the edge of divorce in the summer of 2011 - I wrote this song. As of this posting (July 2012) we are still together - working very hard to keep the love between us alive each and every day.

This Is So Lonely

This is so lonely. How did I end up like this? You were here just a minute ago. You didn't make a sound, but when I turned around, the room was hollow. Not an echo to chase down. This is so lonely. This is so empty. No matter what I bring home. I can't fix up this place. I can't fill up this space. What did you pilfer? It wasn't like this when you left. Everything's missing. Such an obvious theft. This is so lonely. I was hurt. I was bored. I was feeling constantly ignored. But now it's all just so much worse. This is so much worse. I was sad. I was stressed. I was feeling utterly depressed. But now it's all just so much worse. Alone is so much worse. This is so pointless. I'm just a blob in a chair. And I'm way too tired to be going anywhere. I try to close my eyes - forget the reason why. You won't ever come back. You won't even try. This is so lonely.

I am extremely lonely. Why it is that I’ve ended up without a close friend in this world is up for debate, but I feel that it boils down largely to circumstances beyond my control. What made matters worse was that I could also see my marriage possibly ending as I was writing these lyrics. So, it ends up as a song that both conveys my daily sadness about being socially isolated, as well as a predictive story about what it would be like to enter an empty home if my wife were to leave me.